I Have A Theory...

Does anyone else think that hospitals, and waiting rooms, and medical offices always have the same design?  Same floors, same carpet, same wall color, same chairs...and all of which seem to say, "Are you worried yet?  Nervous? Well, maybe you should be!"  Well that's my theory.  They all look the same, and they all do it on purpose.  And I've had many, many, way to many, experiences that have caused me to come to that conclusion.  

I have another theory.  About fear.  That's it all the same and it all comes from the same place too.  It comes from a lack of being able to know the outcome and maybe even a lack of being able to control the outcome.  The unknown is fear's biggest weapon.  One of my most favorite presidents (Sorry Mom) Franklin Delano Roosevelt once said, "We have nothing to fear but fear itself." You got that right Franky.  Fear is it's own entity entirely.  Fear is an ugly monster that rears it's head up when you least expect it.  When you think you've squashed it and gotten past it and overcome it...boom! It's back recking havoc on you and the peace you thought you had found.  

I found myself bowing to fear again back in March when I had to get some tests done that my cardiologist had order.  It was a simple MRI that my doctor wanted to do, just to take a look.  Nothing was wrong, nor did he suspect anything, he just wanted to check and make sure that things were as good as they seemed.  Pumped up from the excitement that was Heart Month in February and feeling extra proud of my scars and my story, I thought that I would go into my MRI feeling like I had CHD instead of CHD having me.  But a few days before the MRI I got this phone call... 

"Hello Ms. D'Ambrosio we see you have an MRI scheduled for (I don't actually remember the exact date people...it was 2 months ago...) and we had a few questions for you....(a bunch of boring questions about verifying my phone number and date of birth...)...do you have anything in your body that you weren't born with?"  My response (in my head) was, "DUH! That's why I'm having an MRI because I was born missing some things and then they put some extra things in...!"  But instead I said, "I do, but it's MRI compatible.  I've had an MRI before."  On the other end of the phone I heard..."Uh...." and then BOOM. Fear arrived.  Just like that. I went from pumped to worried.  I had a back and forth phone call with this MRI nurse about the type of device and if they "gave me a card when I had the device put in" regarding MRI compatibility  (Um, yes...they gave a 3 year old a pamphlet regarding the clamshell device they but in my heart to correct my Tricuspid Atresia...Sure lady...) and a discussion about the types of magnets in the MRI being compatible with different devices and a change in the location of the MRI because of the magnets. I was feeling afraid.  Were they trying to freak me out?  Well, they succeeded.  

The morning of the MRI I got up, showered, made myself a nice breakfast, sat down at the table to read my devotional and started bawling like a baby.  I didn't know what exactly I was afraid of but I was afraid.  I was upset because here I was again, going through a test that would only confirm what I already knew...I have a disease that I will always have.  It will never be cured and it will never go away. What was the point?  Thankfully, I only allowed myself to wallow in self pity over my breakfast for a few moments before I put on some music and decided to worship and pray away my fear. The first song that played was No Longer Slaves by Jonathon and Melissa Hesler.  (Listen to it NOW if you haven't heard it!)  The chorus, which sings,  "I'm no longer a slave to fear/I am a child a God",  had me crying all over again for different reasons.  I decided in that moment that I wasn't going to let fear get me.  It had no place in my life.  Did I have control? No. In fact I had none. But I never had control in the first place. I gave my life over to God a long time ago and He has been in controlecer since. Even more than that, He has been in control since the beginning.  The second verse of the song sings, "From my mother's womb/You have chosen me/Love has called my name..." By this time, the crying had turned to sobbing. God didn't do this to me.  He chose me. He chose me to live this life and He chose for me to do it with half a heart.  He made me this way and He makes no mistakes.  Ever.  And He promised that He would never leave my side at any moment or for any part of it.  What reason did I have to fear since He was this was a part of His plan from the beginning?  What reason did I have to fear since He was with me each moment? God reminded me that fear was not of Him, not from Him, and not part of His plan either. 

I went the MRI appointment and although I've had some pretty terrible MRI experiences in the past...this one of the best experiences I have had.  I slept, I listened to some worship music, and I even signed consent for my MRI to be used for medical students to study.  When the  results came in my resident physician (AKA my sister) had good things to say, and a week later when I met with my cardiologist, he was extremely happy with results and all the things that he wanted to look good, did. And once again, being fearful had proved pointless...and I vowed to never do it again. 

They always say not to make promises you can't keep.  So, I should stop vowing and promising not to fear and just admit that it's a work a progress...like most other things in my life.  Fear found it's way back to me once again just last week.   Sitting in a meeting, I  started to feel sweaty, dizzy, and my ears were ringing.  I was afraid that what I had experienced 5 years ago was happening again.  And I was right.  Thankfulky, I was able to finish the meeting and leave work immediately. I got myself home in time to throw up, and get myself into bed with a pounding headache and extreme dizziness for the next several hours.  It. Was. Awful. And I was so upset it happening all over again.  When I went to the doctor, his lack of answers (he literally said, "Hmmmm..." and started at the paper he had just written my symptoms down on) and the ordering of more tests didn't help quiet the fear.  Not at all.  I felt defeated.  I felt like after making strides with my CHD this year, I was back at square one with my health.  I was feeling confused, annoyed, tired, and afraid.  Again.  And to be honest, I've been struggling. I am trying to get on top the fear this time. Trying not to think every headache or little ring in my ear is another episode that I'm going to have to run home from work for.   I'm trying to remind myself of all the things I God revealed to me during my breakfast in March.  I'm reminding myself of all the times that God's moved and worked in my life and all the times He's remained faithful and true.  I have to remind myself of these things a lot lately.  But I'm determined.   

So, I have one more theory. I have a theory that I need God more and more each day.  I need him every moment of every day.  Every hour, every minute, I need Him.  As I work on my worries, and my anxiety, and my fear...I need Him to help me through it all.  And I KNOW that I'm right  about this theory.  Actually, it's beyond a theory, it's a straight up fact.  

When you read this, all two of you (Hi Mom! Hi Grandma!), feel free to pray for me.  Pray that God continues to guide me as I work to overcome my fears and for peace that surpasses my understanding as I continue to find my way through the unknown of my medical mysteries. (And come up with some more great theories!)  I promise I'll pray the same for you!

Praying for peace.  For you and for me! 

Love, 

Emmy