I finally finished a book and it didn't take me all year long! (Patting myself on the back!) I'm not an avid reader so a book has to be either really good, really interesting, or a requirement for something in order for me to read it.
The book Becoming Myself by Stasi Eldredge gets 5 stars from me. It's excellent! I've read several other books by Stasi and her husband John. All of them have been excellent! They have a ministry called Ransomed Heart Ministries and their books are for both men and women about relationships with the opposite sex, with family and friends, with God, understanding the heart of God, and becoming the best God created us and called us to be. I LOVE their style of writing, especially Stasi's. It's like she speaks my language.
I came across the book at my cousin's house. I went visit her and I saw it on an end table in her living room. I picked it up and said, "Oh, I love Stasi Eldredge!" and she said, "Oh really? Take it! I don't have time to read it so take it and let me know how it is." (Or something along those lines...) So, that's what I did.
Becoming Myself is a book about how we as women, can take all our woman-ness (which, encompasses quite A LOT of things) and we can seek the heart of God because His heart is for us. He created us, as women, created our hearts, created our bodies, created our emotions, our feelings, our thoughts...everything about us. He made and designed and purposed...to be beautifully, and uniquely different woman...and very different from man.
Perhaps I liked the book so much because I sometimes struggle to figure out how to "be myself". If we are honest, I think we all do at times. I struggle to be and balance the person I want to be with the person I am currently. I have good intentions to be and act a certain way, but that it doesn't always happen. I have dreams and desires in my female heart that are uniquely placed there by God, yet I often try to stifle them in order to be something or act or certain way, to become who others expect, or want, or need me to be. I don't think I even fully see myself as a "full grown woman" yet. Perhaps that's because I haven't grown since 8th grade, I can wear pants I wore in high school, and until recently I lived with my mom and dad. I am not fully confident in who "myself" is.
I think part of it is that I was raised by VERY strong, intelligent, women of true inner (and outer) beauty, and incredible faith. Both my grandmothers, my mom, my aunts...to me, they are the definition of women of God. They raised me to be all those things, taught me to be a lady in every sense of the word, yet I feel like I will never quite attain it. I feel as though, I'm continually striving to see things as they do, to think like they do, to believe and trust and hope and have faith like they do. And if I were to have a daughter one day, would I ever be able to raise her they way they have raised me? I have these thoughts, and I don't think I'm alone in thinking them.
But then I remember that I'm different. I've always been different. I've been through things in life that no many have. Each one of us is different. Each one of us has a story that has made us uniquely us; that no one else can truly relate to. I'm walking this earth (literally) with only half of my heart working and pumping, while (figuratively) I'm wearing it on my sleeve. And God didn't make a mistake with me. He made me exactly, precisely, perfectly, the way I am, the way He intended me to be. That's how he made you too. And you too! And you, and you, and you, and you, and you!
He made us woman on purpose. He made woman for a purpose. He made woman with purpose. Not so we could march around naked with signs in our hands screaming profanities and refusing to shave our armpits. He made us so we could do all that men couldn't do. He made us the companion to man. He made us bare children. He made us see things from a different perspective. He made us to pray different prayers. He made us to have our own opinions. He made us to share more of His heart. He made us to display beauty and compassion, kindness and care. He made all of creation, took a seat back and looked at it, and then said, "WOMAN!" All of creation had occurred before He made woman but it wasn't right yet. We are what made it complete. We are the cherry ( and the sprinkles) on top!
Stasi talks about this in several of her books, and in Becoming Myself she goes even further and saying that accepting this fact about ourselves as women, means accepting all that comes along with it...the good, the bad, the ugly. The good hair and make up days, the bad hair and bad mood days, and the ugly one week out of the month where we act like and feel like a crazy person whose body seems like it's trying to kill us from the inside. When we say things like, "I hate being a woman!", even if it's only a few days out of each month, we are saying that we hate what God has created, saying we don't want to accept being who, what and how He created us. I am incredibly guilty of this. I'm an emotional person as it is and I'd be lying if I didn't think that men seem to have the easy way out. But if I believe that God didn't make a mistake with my heart, that also means I believe He didn't make a mistake in making me a woman, and all that comes with woman-hood. As my heart dreams and desires that stem from being a woman, I know that He planted those in me. He has dreams for me too, a purpose beyond what I can even imagine. And those amazing, purposefully plans are based on the sole fact that I am a woman.
And when He created me, us, as woman, He didn't create us to navigate all our thoughts and feelings, and once a month need to consume mass amounts of chocolate by ourselves. He gave us Him, He gave us His son, He gave us the Holy Spirit. For each step, each thought, each tear, each laugh, each heartache, each bad hair day and good one...we are never alone. He wis always with us, loving us through it, providing our needs for the moment, guiding our each and every step. He is refuge and safe place. In Him we find freedom. We are free to embrace being woman, free to become ourselves....exactly who God wants us to be.
Throughout the book, Stasi uses the stories of famous woman in history, in the bible, and even her own personal stories to talk about love, relationships, body issues and image, and so much more. Each page is full of incredible wisdom and solid, biblical truth. You know what, just go buy the book right now and read it for yourself. You will NOT be disappointed.
I'll end this lengthy post the way the book ends: Let's go together. Let's press on to the goal that is set before us--to become fully transformed, fully alive, fully ourselves, fully His. To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without flight and with great joy--to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forever-more! Amen. (Jude vv 24-25)
Go, be yourself.
-Emmy
Eldredge, S. (2013). Becoming myself: embracing God's dream of you. Colorado Springs, CO: David C Cook.
1/7/17
A Girl of Very Little Brain
It's a snowy Saturday here in NC. Which means the entire Triangle area has been shut down. Literally. The mayhem started on Tuesday. Yes, Tuesday. When the weather man called for snow people went into panic mode, took all the bread off the shelves, sent everyone home early, and hunkered down. Crazy. All the northern transplants are sitting here laughing, but staying inside because it is very icy out there...
I stayed in doors today, did some laundry and tried this recipe I saw on Pinterest for veggie nuggets (I can hear my sister's 'I'm judging you' voice, "What? Veggie Nuggets? Who are you!?") that I saw on Pinterest, as with most other things people try on Pinterest...it was a failure. I don't know what I did wrong but they were too mushy. They didn't solidify. Perhaps it was the fact that I used the wrong peppers AND 'regular' beets instead of golden beets. (It looked like a crime scene in my kitchen for a while!) Either way, I stuck with it and made them. They taste good, they just look weird. And they are a very deep shade of pink. HA! If anyone has other ideas for veggie nuggets that actually work...feel free to share! I'm always looking for a creative way to get my veggies!
Since I'm just sitting here, being interrupted from time to time by my roomie showing me "abs inspirations" for the abs we are going to get by the summer so she can look good in the bathing suits she impulsively bought online today, I decided to share my brief medical history of 2016. It was pretty noteworthy for me, considering I don't usually ever meet my insurance premiums. I sure did this year...but for great reasons!
Moving at the beginning of the year meant a lot of good things for me however, it meant leaving behind my doctors, my medical advocates (my parents) and the overall sense of security I had. I could not let my little half a heart stop me from walking where God had called me to walk. After all, He made me the way I am and I doubt that He would have lead me here and said, "Ooops, I forgot about your medical issues! Sorry!".
When I got here, I got myself settled in and began my search to find a new doctor. Thankfully, this area is FILLED with some the best medical research and minds. The Triangle area of NC, is filled with universities, hospitals, and medical research. When looking for a doctor, I wanted them to be reputable, exude confidence (but not arrogance), and personable. If I'm going to be their patient for a long while, I needed to make sure I liked them! I also wanted a doctor that specialized in Adult Congenital Heart Disease. See, not too many adults with CHD are alive today. Only in recent years have people with CHD been living long enough to make it to adult hood. I wanted to make sure that whoever my new doctor was, knew how to get through adulthood and all the challenges that may bring. I did some research, narrowed it down, and made an appointment to see an Adult Congenital Cardiologist at Duke University Medical Center.
My cardiologist appointment made me nervous. I didn't sleep well the night before, I had to pray and take a deep breath before I walked in. I sat anxiously in the waiting room, and had to concentrate on relaxing during the exams. I got an Echo and an EKG, which at this point I could give myself in my sleep. I got some blood work done too while I was there. Not much has changed in 26 years yet, fear tried to get the best of me again, BUT...My cardiologist appointment was also a reminder of the faithfulness of God and the power of prayer. Every year I am reminded that God made me perfectly, and He has been in control since before I was born. Every year I am reminded and thankful for all the numerous prayers that have been prayed, and have been answered, over the years. Every year I leave my appointment feeling thankful, blessed, and with tears of joy in my eyes. Every year I am reminded I have nothing to fear. This year was no exception. God was, once again, faithful. In fact, my doctor said to me that my Fontan (the operation they did to "fix" me) was "One of the best Fontan's I've ever seen!"
The appointment was a true success, I loved, loved, LOVED my cardiologist! He was all the things I wanted and was looking for and more! He spent almost an hour with me, talking to me, explaining things to me, asking me questions and listening to me. He showed me diagrams and drew me pictures, he explained my test results to me, and went through my medical records with me. Even his nurse was amazing! He was an answer to my prayers! [Side bar:If you know anyone in this area who needs a great Adult CHD Cardiologist...send them my way!]
Feeling good about myself, I made an appointment to see a Neurologist, as recommended by my Cardiologist. He wanted me follow up about the seizure medicine I was on, as he didn't feel comfortable renewing my prescription. (Much appreciated, doc!) When I saw the Neurologist, I told him my story, of vertigo, and vomiting, and the diagnosis of 'ocular seizures' and how I've been on the medicine for several years symptom free. He listened to me, asked me questions, looked at my medical files, looked at my previous CT scans, and then he shared his point of view. He told me that he didn't think that I was having seizures, that from what I described it sounded like bad vertigo that seems to have coincidentally gone away with the medicine. He told my scans looked normal, perhaps I had a smaller brain than average. (Yes, he said I have a small brain. He said, "I mean that in the nicest way possible. You are a small person so it makes sense. I'm sure you are very, very intelligent!" I just laughed. I laughed so hard! Then I told him not to tell my siblings or they would make fun of me forever.)
The most important thing the Neuroligist said during my visit was that he felt it wasn't necessary for me to be on any additional medications long term if I didn't need to be. He proposed that I take a break from the seziure medicine for the summer, as to aliveate fear of having an episode at work, and to see if it was possible to remain off of it. I appreciated how he made feel it was my decision too. He respected my concerns, and yet made me feel confident in his opinion and medical expertise. I truly felt at ease and so when I went camping with friends for my birthday weekend, the first weekend of summer, I didn't pack the sezuire meds. I didn't take them all summer and I have't taken it since. I visited my doctor again at the end of the summer. He was as happy as was I with the outcome. A whole summer off the meds and whole summer of no symptoms! Although the start of the new school year and the stress that brings made me nervous, he reassured me that I could call the moment I neded to, as he will remain my doctor. Thankfully, I haven't needed to yet. Once again though, God showed me His faithfulness and that He does hear and answer my prayers.
This year has shown me so many things, but for me, "medically speaking" as they say, God showed me, once again, that He knows the plans He has for me. God has declared it. God plans to prosper me and not to harm me. God gives me hope and He gives me a future. I find God when I seek Him with my whole half of a heart. This year, I am determined to live my life with out fear...
...and to find a way to have my recipes come out looking the way they do on Pinterest!
Happy Snow Saturday!
-Emmy
I stayed in doors today, did some laundry and tried this recipe I saw on Pinterest for veggie nuggets (I can hear my sister's 'I'm judging you' voice, "What? Veggie Nuggets? Who are you!?") that I saw on Pinterest, as with most other things people try on Pinterest...it was a failure. I don't know what I did wrong but they were too mushy. They didn't solidify. Perhaps it was the fact that I used the wrong peppers AND 'regular' beets instead of golden beets. (It looked like a crime scene in my kitchen for a while!) Either way, I stuck with it and made them. They taste good, they just look weird. And they are a very deep shade of pink. HA! If anyone has other ideas for veggie nuggets that actually work...feel free to share! I'm always looking for a creative way to get my veggies!
Since I'm just sitting here, being interrupted from time to time by my roomie showing me "abs inspirations" for the abs we are going to get by the summer so she can look good in the bathing suits she impulsively bought online today, I decided to share my brief medical history of 2016. It was pretty noteworthy for me, considering I don't usually ever meet my insurance premiums. I sure did this year...but for great reasons!
Moving at the beginning of the year meant a lot of good things for me however, it meant leaving behind my doctors, my medical advocates (my parents) and the overall sense of security I had. I could not let my little half a heart stop me from walking where God had called me to walk. After all, He made me the way I am and I doubt that He would have lead me here and said, "Ooops, I forgot about your medical issues! Sorry!".
When I got here, I got myself settled in and began my search to find a new doctor. Thankfully, this area is FILLED with some the best medical research and minds. The Triangle area of NC, is filled with universities, hospitals, and medical research. When looking for a doctor, I wanted them to be reputable, exude confidence (but not arrogance), and personable. If I'm going to be their patient for a long while, I needed to make sure I liked them! I also wanted a doctor that specialized in Adult Congenital Heart Disease. See, not too many adults with CHD are alive today. Only in recent years have people with CHD been living long enough to make it to adult hood. I wanted to make sure that whoever my new doctor was, knew how to get through adulthood and all the challenges that may bring. I did some research, narrowed it down, and made an appointment to see an Adult Congenital Cardiologist at Duke University Medical Center.
My cardiologist appointment made me nervous. I didn't sleep well the night before, I had to pray and take a deep breath before I walked in. I sat anxiously in the waiting room, and had to concentrate on relaxing during the exams. I got an Echo and an EKG, which at this point I could give myself in my sleep. I got some blood work done too while I was there. Not much has changed in 26 years yet, fear tried to get the best of me again, BUT...My cardiologist appointment was also a reminder of the faithfulness of God and the power of prayer. Every year I am reminded that God made me perfectly, and He has been in control since before I was born. Every year I am reminded and thankful for all the numerous prayers that have been prayed, and have been answered, over the years. Every year I leave my appointment feeling thankful, blessed, and with tears of joy in my eyes. Every year I am reminded I have nothing to fear. This year was no exception. God was, once again, faithful. In fact, my doctor said to me that my Fontan (the operation they did to "fix" me) was "One of the best Fontan's I've ever seen!"
The appointment was a true success, I loved, loved, LOVED my cardiologist! He was all the things I wanted and was looking for and more! He spent almost an hour with me, talking to me, explaining things to me, asking me questions and listening to me. He showed me diagrams and drew me pictures, he explained my test results to me, and went through my medical records with me. Even his nurse was amazing! He was an answer to my prayers! [Side bar:If you know anyone in this area who needs a great Adult CHD Cardiologist...send them my way!]
Feeling good about myself, I made an appointment to see a Neurologist, as recommended by my Cardiologist. He wanted me follow up about the seizure medicine I was on, as he didn't feel comfortable renewing my prescription. (Much appreciated, doc!) When I saw the Neurologist, I told him my story, of vertigo, and vomiting, and the diagnosis of 'ocular seizures' and how I've been on the medicine for several years symptom free. He listened to me, asked me questions, looked at my medical files, looked at my previous CT scans, and then he shared his point of view. He told me that he didn't think that I was having seizures, that from what I described it sounded like bad vertigo that seems to have coincidentally gone away with the medicine. He told my scans looked normal, perhaps I had a smaller brain than average. (Yes, he said I have a small brain. He said, "I mean that in the nicest way possible. You are a small person so it makes sense. I'm sure you are very, very intelligent!" I just laughed. I laughed so hard! Then I told him not to tell my siblings or they would make fun of me forever.)
The most important thing the Neuroligist said during my visit was that he felt it wasn't necessary for me to be on any additional medications long term if I didn't need to be. He proposed that I take a break from the seziure medicine for the summer, as to aliveate fear of having an episode at work, and to see if it was possible to remain off of it. I appreciated how he made feel it was my decision too. He respected my concerns, and yet made me feel confident in his opinion and medical expertise. I truly felt at ease and so when I went camping with friends for my birthday weekend, the first weekend of summer, I didn't pack the sezuire meds. I didn't take them all summer and I have't taken it since. I visited my doctor again at the end of the summer. He was as happy as was I with the outcome. A whole summer off the meds and whole summer of no symptoms! Although the start of the new school year and the stress that brings made me nervous, he reassured me that I could call the moment I neded to, as he will remain my doctor. Thankfully, I haven't needed to yet. Once again though, God showed me His faithfulness and that He does hear and answer my prayers.
This year has shown me so many things, but for me, "medically speaking" as they say, God showed me, once again, that He knows the plans He has for me. God has declared it. God plans to prosper me and not to harm me. God gives me hope and He gives me a future. I find God when I seek Him with my whole half of a heart. This year, I am determined to live my life with out fear...
...and to find a way to have my recipes come out looking the way they do on Pinterest!
Happy Snow Saturday!
-Emmy
1/4/17
Revival
This poor blog has been neglected. I'm sorry poor little blog. Don't worry though, I'm reviving you and this time I'm sticking with it. What's that? Can you trust me? Why now? Well, why not now? I know the world is filled with blogs about anything and everything but I've never met a blog about living with half a heart so I'm going to do it just like I said I was going to back in 2013. (2013? Geez...sorry again blog.)
My hope again, is that I get to share my story. I get to express myself, the pretty and the ugly truth about living with a Congenital Heart Defect (CHD) and have a little bit of my life in between. I promise to be encouraging when I can, to be helpful, to be truthful, and to always point whoever reads this to Christ.
Again little blog, I am sorry. This year has been one for the record books! It has been a year of craziness and excitement and blessing beyond measure. The year started off with BIG changes and that was pretty much the theme for the rest of the year. Here we are in December and as I reflect on 2016 I can't help but say "Wow!". Here's a few reasons why 2016 was so "WOW" worthy:
1. Big, BIG move
I woke up on the first day of 2016 in a new state. After years of frustration and praying for a full time teaching job I was at my wits end and sent my resume to teacher friends in other states. I had been praying, along with my family, for God to open a door for me. I had been praying for years and was becoming extremely discouraged. Then, suddenly, I got a phone call for an interview. I had a phone interview, and shortly after I was offered a job. After more prayer, talking to my family, and careful consideration...I accepted the job, packed up my life, and moved to the Raleigh/Durham area of North Carolina on December 31st 2015 and started my new job on January 4th, 2016.
2. Not a bridesmaid (but still not a bride)
I was NOT in any weddings this year. I threw a baby shower and went to a wedding as a guest but for the first time in about 4 years I was not a bridesmaid. And, as far as I know, I don't have any plans to be a bridesmaid in 2017...yet! :)
3. Captain Doctors and Lieutenant Bachelors
This year my siblings and I all hit some big milestones. My baby brother graduated from college with Bachelors Degree in Applied Math and Physics (#nerdalert) and at the same time he completed ROTC and commissioned as a 2nd Lieutenant in the Army. As if my big sister heart wasn't swelling with enough joy and pride, my sister, a Lt. in the Air Force, gave my brother the oath of office and commissioned him. It was probably one of the best big sister moments of my entire life.
Two weeks after my brother's graduation, my sister graduated from medical school with honors (#nerdalertagain) as well as got promoted to Captain in the Air Force. My big heart swelled to almost bursting again, especially when my sister requested my brother and I pin her. Of course, being the "civilian" that I am, I pinned them on sideways and my brother had to help me. While my whole family (and three other families) looked on and took pictures. #embarassing
To say May was an exciting month, is an understatement. We ended the month with a huge party with all of our friends and family! It was an AMAZING month for all of us and we are beyond blessed.
4. Master...of Summer Vacation
To add to the excitement of all the graduations, I did some educational promotion myself. I completed my one year intensive Master's program in special education. It was something that I've been trying to complete for several years through several schools and finally....FINALLY...completed in June. It was glorious to have no homework to do anymore. I was able to spend a few weeks ago with family and friends as well some time in muggy North Carolina summer with friends and family as well.
5. #Adulting....FINALLY
One of the pluses of FINALLY having a real job was that I was able to FINALLY get my own apartment! A friend from home that I grew up with was able to get a job down here as well and we get an apartment together! Let me just say that I living on my own...is exactly what I thought it would be and I LOVE it! Little by little we are yes, there are bills to pay and food to cook, but this has been a long time coming and I am excited for all that this season of life has in store.
To say that this has been an exciting year is an understatement. It's been the craziest, busiest, most exhausting, and exciting year of my life. My family and I were able to spend both Thanksgiving and Christmas together this year and it seemed like the perfect way to end such an amazing year. I hope in this next year, we continue to see the hand of God in all aspects of our lives.
With that, I'll end this post. I will post another blog soon about what 2016 brought for me
medically but those weren't as "WOW" worthy as some of the other things that happened this past year.
So, little blog. I hope we can be friends again. I promise to try really, really hard not to forget you ever again. Enjoy some pictures of from 2016 below.
God Bless,
Emily
1. Big, BIG move
I woke up on the first day of 2016 in a new state. After years of frustration and praying for a full time teaching job I was at my wits end and sent my resume to teacher friends in other states. I had been praying, along with my family, for God to open a door for me. I had been praying for years and was becoming extremely discouraged. Then, suddenly, I got a phone call for an interview. I had a phone interview, and shortly after I was offered a job. After more prayer, talking to my family, and careful consideration...I accepted the job, packed up my life, and moved to the Raleigh/Durham area of North Carolina on December 31st 2015 and started my new job on January 4th, 2016.
2. Not a bridesmaid (but still not a bride)
I was NOT in any weddings this year. I threw a baby shower and went to a wedding as a guest but for the first time in about 4 years I was not a bridesmaid. And, as far as I know, I don't have any plans to be a bridesmaid in 2017...yet! :)
3. Captain Doctors and Lieutenant Bachelors
This year my siblings and I all hit some big milestones. My baby brother graduated from college with Bachelors Degree in Applied Math and Physics (#nerdalert) and at the same time he completed ROTC and commissioned as a 2nd Lieutenant in the Army. As if my big sister heart wasn't swelling with enough joy and pride, my sister, a Lt. in the Air Force, gave my brother the oath of office and commissioned him. It was probably one of the best big sister moments of my entire life.
Two weeks after my brother's graduation, my sister graduated from medical school with honors (#nerdalertagain) as well as got promoted to Captain in the Air Force. My big heart swelled to almost bursting again, especially when my sister requested my brother and I pin her. Of course, being the "civilian" that I am, I pinned them on sideways and my brother had to help me. While my whole family (and three other families) looked on and took pictures. #embarassing
To say May was an exciting month, is an understatement. We ended the month with a huge party with all of our friends and family! It was an AMAZING month for all of us and we are beyond blessed.
4. Master...of Summer Vacation
To add to the excitement of all the graduations, I did some educational promotion myself. I completed my one year intensive Master's program in special education. It was something that I've been trying to complete for several years through several schools and finally....FINALLY...completed in June. It was glorious to have no homework to do anymore. I was able to spend a few weeks ago with family and friends as well some time in muggy North Carolina summer with friends and family as well.
5. #Adulting....FINALLY
One of the pluses of FINALLY having a real job was that I was able to FINALLY get my own apartment! A friend from home that I grew up with was able to get a job down here as well and we get an apartment together! Let me just say that I living on my own...is exactly what I thought it would be and I LOVE it! Little by little we are yes, there are bills to pay and food to cook, but this has been a long time coming and I am excited for all that this season of life has in store.
To say that this has been an exciting year is an understatement. It's been the craziest, busiest, most exhausting, and exciting year of my life. My family and I were able to spend both Thanksgiving and Christmas together this year and it seemed like the perfect way to end such an amazing year. I hope in this next year, we continue to see the hand of God in all aspects of our lives.
With that, I'll end this post. I will post another blog soon about what 2016 brought for me
medically but those weren't as "WOW" worthy as some of the other things that happened this past year.
So, little blog. I hope we can be friends again. I promise to try really, really hard not to forget you ever again. Enjoy some pictures of from 2016 below.
God Bless,
Emily
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