What an emotional roller coaster life with half a heart sometimes is. This past week has been on as the good the bad and the good and the bad have come been a part of it. So much thought and emotion goes into each part of the good and each part of the bad. Fears creep and then leave, sadness and joy all at once. EX-HAUST-ING!
Here's what happened.
Good (Part 1): I have been working out a lot and am starting to see results. I am pushing my self little by little (with-in my own limits) and really taking care of my body. I am proud of me and I feel and SEE healthy and fit. (I'm getting ab muscles...MAJOR milestone!) I even impressed my sister with my 5 push-ups. Don't judge...5 is VERY impressive for people with half a heart! ;) But then...things do downnnnnn....
Bad (Part 1):The fiance friend of my sister's died this week from a heart condition that he had that was worsened by a panic attack. He was in the hospital for several days in Boston (the mecca of hospitals!) where he had several procedures and operations and eventually died from complications because of his heart condition. It was something to do with the right side of his heart. As the days went on and my sister was giving me updates about his condition, I felt fear...that one day...that would be me. That just like him life would be going good and one little thing will go wrong and it's down hill from there. I know I can't think like that I know that it could have happened hundreds of times already and God has spared me but the uncertainty of my future with this condition is always in the back of my mind. Sometimes, like this week, I get to the point of..."why get married ever? I cant' do that? I'm just going die young. Why have kids? Can I even have them? Probably not!" It's nights like these where I sit up and just talk to God and thank Him endlessly for the amazing life he has given me so far and tell Him how much I need Him and remind myself of His promises to me. That's when the roller coaster starts to go back up...
Good (Part 2): It took a few days to finally talk myself back up and a girl in my class tells me that she noticed my scar today (my scar is VERY high...I was NOT wearing a low cut shirt....thank you!) and that her brother has a cardiac condition. She doesn't know what it is, but it's something to do with one side of his heart! I was so glad that she came and told me that. She said that she was going to tell her brother about me and let him know that I'm a teacher. The bell for the change of classes had just rung so I didn't get to talk to her much but I LOVED the fact that her sharing with me, and me sharing with her made us not only connected more...but brought joy to both of our lives! I came home happy only to be reminded of the most annoying part of life with half a heart...DOCTORS!
Bad (Part 2): I came home for work to find that my mother had researched a new cardiologist for me. The one I had since birth retired a few years ago and he sent me to a GREAT one that decided to MOVE last year. I was NOT happy about my first doctor retiring (I cried) and just when I was starting to like the new one...he up and leaves. RUDE! So now I'm on the hunt for a new one which means moving 26 years of medical records, new tests...new doctors and nurses...new offices...new locations...and possible changes to my routine meds. And I feel like I'm going to be tethered to a doctor FOREVER. What if one day I move? I have to do this again?? NOT cool...
So this has been my emotional roller coaster for the past several days. It's a vicious and repeating cycle and I've come to just accept it as part of my life. Half hearted-ness comes with uncertainties and unanswered questions...and gaurentees are few and far between. I am doing my best to accept those facts and to lean on God and his certainties .PROMISES and remind myself that even though I may not know what the future brings...I know the one who holds my every moment and He will NEVER let me know or let me slip out of His plan if I keep my heart (all half of it) focused on HIM! Well... I have to get ready for tomorrow and my nightly chat with God. :)
