Sometimes

Sometimes the day is exhausting.  My list of things to do feels so daunting and everything is overwhelming.  Even the fact that my hair just will not look cute in a messy bun.  

Sometimes I feel so small in a world that is so very, very big.  I wonder if the tiny part I'm playing is making a difference.  Are my words and my actions part of the solution?  Or I am simply adding to the problem? 

Sometimes I feel physically heavy and I need a way to let it out, to blow of steam, to release all the thoughts and emotions I am feeling all at once.

Sometimes, I put on my pajamas and let my fingers dance on the keyboard in an attempt to get the words in my brain out of me and onto the screen before me. I wonder if the words I have to say should be kept between just me, myself, and I, or if sharing them will be worth the effort it took to get them out.  

Sometimes I have to inspire myself.  I have to talk myself up. I have to give myself a pep talk...a reminder of all the things I am and can be and can do...and all the things I will be and will do. 

Sometimes I have to speak sternly.  Other times I can speak softly and gently to myself.  

Sometimes I have to catch myself before I spiral.  I have to unwind my self and get myself back on two feet.  Balance Emily, balance. 

Sometimes I let myself cry; for no reason and for every reason.  It's cathartic and it's self pity and it's frustration and it's injustice and it's hurt and it's healing.  All at once.

Sometimes I huff and I puff and then I let out one long, deep breath.  I listen to the expanding and shrinking of my lungs and let it my own signs of life soothe me. 

Sometimes I walk myself down memory, the good and the bad.  The pictures are all so clear in my head.  The sounds, the smells, and every feeling.  

Sometimes I day dream about the future and plan it all in my head, down the littlest of details.  It seems silly and it seems confident too. 

Sometimes I feel guilty and I apologize to myself.  I'm sure I need to apologize to more than just me. 

Sometimes I'm proud and I give myself praise for a job well done.  Congratulations.  I've made it through this day, this hour, this minute...

Sometimes my heart starts to race with worry and I am certain it's going to beat right out of my chest.  Or if nothing else, it's certainly going to explode.  

Sometimes I can rest so well and my breathing is slow, and deep, and steady, and my heart beats almost as if it wasn't working as hard as it is. 

Sometimes I remind myself of all I've been through and allow myself to use it as a reason to do or be less than...just for a moment. 

Sometimes I am impressed with myself for all I have accomplished with all the limits that have been placed on me.  But I know there are so many who have it much worse than me. 

Sometimes I get lost in wondering "what" or "if" or "why" or "when".  Those can be full of worry or fear of full of beauty and magic.  

Sometimes I focus on all my energy on being in the moment I'm in.  I won't get it back.  I won't get another like it.  I want to remember that one.  And this one too 

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to look or feel or be someone besides me.  Taller.  Smaller.  Blonder.  Greener eyes.  Quieter.  Smarter.  The list goes on...

Sometimes I don't feel woman enough, empowered enough, strong enough, brave enough.  At least not as much as I sometimes pretend to be. 

Sometimes I feel as though I could take on the whole wide world...and win. 

Sometimes I fully embrace being me.  The many, many thoughts.  The incredibly deep feelings.  The past, the present, and looking toward the future with hope and excited anticipation.  

Sometimes I run out of words and out of thoughts.  My fingers slow down and I realize that I feel lighter, brighter and somewhat free. 

Sometimes All the time I know, I boast in, I have confidence that I have been fearfully and wonderfully made by a God who loves and is with me and fighting battles for me all the time.  

My victory over all of the many 'sometimeses' of life has already been won.  Because of the blood and the name of Jesus.  

The exhaustion gives way to rest in the arms of grace, mercy and love of my Savior.  And I am feeling whole again. 

Why I Wear Red

HAPPY HEART MONTH! Today is the beginning of an entire month dedicated to the heart!  Heart health.  Heart disease awareness.  Heart disease prevention.  Supporting, encouraging, and remembering those who've lost, those who live with, and those effected by heart defects and disease. 

Today the American Heart Association has made the day National Wear Red Day.  Across the globe, people are wearing red for some of those same reasons. I will gladly, proudly, and boldly wear my red for ALL of those reasons.

29-ish years ago, I was recovering from my open heart surgery, my final surgery of three major surgeries.  I had been born with no right ventricle and several holes in my right atrium. The shunts they had put in to try and alleviate some of the problem weren't doing their job any longer. I wasn't even able to walk up the stairs in my house without having to stop several times and catch my breath. The surgery "corrected" the congenital heart defect I was born with before the strain of trying to living with one side of my heart working damaged the parts of my heart I had, before my body began to feel the effects of the lack of oxygenated blood, before my other organs began to try and compensate for the fact that my heart wasn't doing its job. 

Bits and pieces of that time in my life are still vivid and clear in my mind.  Others are a bit hazy as if I am watching them from the outside, like in an old home video.  As a little girl I was confused, I was hurt, and I was angry.  So much of my energy was spent in trying to understand and trying to be something I could never and would never be.  As a teenager, that anger and frustration was deflected on to the people in my life who loved me the most.  My heart defect was no longer causing damage, but I still was. 

My perspective began to shift in the winter of 2006 when my family took a trip to Boston for a college visit for my sister.  We went back to Boston Children's Hospital, which is where my open heart surgery had taken place.  The hospital had changed a lot but some of the nurses on the cardiac floor where the same ones who had cared for me when I was there.  The nurse took us to meet a little boy who had just had the same surgery I had had all those years ago.  There he was, tubes and wires everywhere, monitors beeping and machines keeping track of his signs of life.   His mom, looking tired and exhausted, was brushing the hair on his head and stroking his cheeks in all the places the medical tape and wires were not.  The nurse called her out and introduced her to me, telling her that I was patient here years ago, and had the same surgery her son had just had.  She explained to her that I was 18 years old now, healthy, and in my first year of college.  The mom touched me face, told me I was beautiful, and just cried; glancing back at her son through the window. 

I saw all that I had been through in whole new way that day.  I saw my parents in the little boy's mother.  Standing by my side through every single moment, worried and exhausted but praying over me every prayer they knew how to pray.  I saw myself in that boy.  Wires, tubes, machines, completely helpless to how my body was born but so ready to fight.  In that moment I was no longer angry.  In that moment I understood.  In that moment I was completely one hundred percent okay with having a congenital heart defect.  In that moment I thought that if meeting that mom, and seeing that little boy, was my sole purpose in life, it had all been worth it.  And from that moment on, I embraced my heart defect.  From that moment on I wore my half of heart and all that I had been through as a badge of honor and with incredible pride.

So today, as I kick of Heart Month by wearing my red, I have so many reasons to wear it.  I wear red for women who fight against and fight to prevent heart disease each and every day.  I wear red for the 1 in 100 babies born with congenital heart defects, fighting alongside those who are surviving and in honor of those who don't.  I wear it for the little boy I met when I visited Boston Children's, whose name I don't even know, and for his mom who stood firmly by his side through all of it.  I wear read for Brady, a little boy who spent his days in the hospital making friends and reading to and writing notes to baby me after I had my first surgery.  I wear red for Kayla, my roommate during one of my many hospital stays whose family we lost touch with over the years but survived some complications she had a few years after her surgery.  I wear red for Carol and her son Kevin, she's one heck of a heart mom and he's one heck of a heart warrior and both of them have been huge inspirations and incredible friends.  I wear red for my sister, who shares an open heart surgery scar with me and whose healthy heart does everything I can't for the both of us. I wear red for my parents, who have walked through every single step of my CHD journey with me and continue to be my biggest cheerleaders in all aspects of my life.  For all those people whose lives have been forever marked, forever changed, and forever enriched because of person with heart disease or a heart defect. For all those doctors and nurses and technicians and researchers who help to ease the difficulties and search for a cure for heart disease and heart defects.  For all those who can put their hand on their chest and feel the 'thump-thump, thump-thump' of their beating heart. That's why I wear red.

What about you? 


Happy Heart Month!

-Emily

PS: If you have a heart story, or know someone with a heart story PLEASE reach out and share!  I LOVE connect with those who wear their red for a great reason!

Flowing Through My Veins

Do you ever think about your veins and what is flowing through them? Do you ever think about how they give life to your entire body?  From the tippy top of your head down to the soles of your feet.  When we go to the doctor we either hear  "You have good veins!" or "You have bad veins".  Some of us pump stuff into them, like vitamins and nutrients, and other times medicine like chemotherapy, and sadly sometimes things that can cause you bodies serious damage.  Do you ever think about what is flowing through your veins? 

We say things like "It's in my blood" when we talk about things like the sports team we root for or the reason we act or think a certain way.  When we get angry, and we say things like "our blood is boiling" we literally feel hot all over as if hot blood is running through and spreading all throughout our body.  When we are cold or sad and maybe he even when we are dehydrated, we can see them through our skin and we notice how blue they appear.  Do you ever think about what is flowing through your veins? 

There is a song by Christian Worship Leader Chris Quilala called Miracles.  It's an amazing song but one line brings me to tears every single time.  The line is simple.  It states "The One who put death in it's place/His life is flowing through my veins/His life is flowing through my veins." If you've ever wondered like me, what is flowing through your veins, Chris Quilala just answered you question.  Jesus.  He is.  The God of the universe.  His life.  His life is through through your veins, through my veins, from the tippy top of my head down to the soles of my feet. His life is flowing through my veins. 

I have a love/hate relationship with my veins.  I feel like most people who have heart disease do.  I need those veins to do their job and do it right because the parts of the heart that are functioning properly are counting on them.  I'm constantly hoping and praying they do what they are meant to do, and do it right.  But His life is flowing through my veins. 

My veins have had more needles in them then I care to count, more fluids pumped into them than you can imagine, and more blood taken from them that I'm honestly shocked at how I still have any left. They have been collapsed, bruised, relentlessly poked and prodded, yet they somehow still manage to do their job. But His life is flowing through my veins. 

I worry they will quit on me, or that my heart will quit on them and then they will have to quit too.  I worry that if I get sick it will flow through to my heart.  I worry when I get a cut that I'll get an infection and it will flow through my veins and damage my heart.  I worry that one day I'll have to pump them full of medicine that will weaken them again, bruise them and make them collapse. But His life is flowing through my veins. 

John 1:12-13 says,"Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God-children born not of natural descent nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God." and Romans 8:11 states; "And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you." and 1 John 4:4" "You, dear children are from God and have overcome them because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the the world." His life is flowing through my veins. 

He has created me in His image. He has given me life. He has called me daughter. He allows spirit to reside in me. He has given me hope through his promises. His life is flowing through my veins. So if my veins are strong, His life is flowing through my veins.  If my veins get poked and become a little bruised, His life is flowing through my veins.  If my veins bring my blood throughout my body, His life is flowing through my veins.  If my veins grown weak and start to quit on me, His life is flowing through my veins.   

The fact is, it has far less to do with what my veins are or are not doing, but what my God is and will continue to do.  When He made me, He knew full well what my veins would endure. He knew my veins would have to be strong, even at their weakest.  He knew that they'd face pain, and be bruised, and even collapse at times.  He knew it all and He knew what he was doing.  He did it with love and with such purpose and perfection, because He knew whose life he was going to flow through them. His.  His life.  His life is flowing though my veins.  I no longer have to wonder. 

-Emily

Miracles

Reflections

2019 has officially been around for a entire week.  Congrats.  51 one more of them to go.   So far, this new year still has me filled with excitement for what's to come.  I'm off to a good start on my new year's resolution of giving up Diet Coke.  It was killer when I had Chick-Fil-A the other day, but I did it!  (Who knew there were other beverage options?) So far so good but check in with me in a few weeks. ;)

It struck me in 2018, that I've been living, I've been alive, with only half of a heart for 31 years.  It's crazy to me to look back on not just the past year but on the past years of my life.  Often times in life, things that people take for granted, things that are 'no big deal' are a very big deal for me.  Things that as a little blue and sickly baby, people doubted I would ever be able to accomplish or do.  Navigating life with a heart defect can complicate things, but the drama queen in me loves the extra dose of spice I bring to any given situation.  Here are just a few 'big deal' deal things that I accomplished and experienced in 2018.  

Beat Altitude Sickness and Explored the Wild West

I'll start out by sharing that in February of 2018 my baby brother was deployed to the middle east.  Being a military family is no joke.  I thought my prayer life was pretty good until my brother was sent overs seas. Whoa.  Not only did his deployment greatly increase my prayer life, but it also ruined our Easter plans to visit him.  It was difficult for the rest of us (my parents, sister, and I) to think about all being home without him.  So, we didn't do it.  Instead we all few to New Mexico (the state-not the country) to visit my aunt and uncle and to explore the western part of the U.S.  New Mexico is called 'The Land of Enchantment' for very good reason. It's stunnnnnnnnning.  It's also very, very high above sea level.  Oxygen deprivation is a real thing when you have a half a heart, even at sea level.  So you can imagine how real of a thing it is when the elevation is far, far, far above sea level.  Toss in some mountain and mesa climbing and you're in for a real oxygen deprived treat.  My mom checked on me with her "How ya doing Em?",  every few minutes.  And my dad said, "It's okay Baby. We all need a break.",  every time I apologized because I needed to slow down or stop.  But I did it.  We did it.  The girl with half a heart climbed mountains and mesa's in New Mexico.  The view at the top, was so incredibly worth it. The satisfaction at the top was worth it too.  The feeling of euphoria that says "I can do anything!" was wonderful as well.  Or perhaps it was just the lack of oxygen to my brain?  We'll never know.  Either way I don't regret a moment of catching my breathe.  The views took my breath away anyways.  And so did my sister when she dangled her legs off the edge of the cliffs.  

5 Hour Wait for 5 Minutes with the Doctor

My yearly check-ups are getting old.  At least for me.  At this point in my life with CHD, I could probably give myself an EKG and do the Echocardiogram by myself.  When I go to the cardiologist,  I have two choices.  I can be afraid they're going to find something wrong or I can find the joy and gratitude in being "same old, same old".  This year I choose to do the second one.  And God sweetened the pot by giving me some things to laugh about. (Looking back at least.  At the time I was pretttttty peeved.) Things like, when the Echo technicians spent an extra 20 minutes looking for blood flow to the right side of me heart.  Umm...you might there forever looking for it because, it's not there.  The Fontan Procedure I had done when I was 3 took care of that...but thanks for trying to find it more me.  Or like when the Cardiology Intern (Fellow) tried to convince me that I needed to go off my heart medication and take a daily baby aspirin.  Ya know pal, you may have a medical degree but if you read my chart you can see that for 28ish years this half heart of mine and I have been getting along just fine so don't come in here and try to change things up on us after knowing us for .5 seconds. Thankfully when the doctor came in for a whopping 5 minutes, he assured me that the right side of my heart was still non functioning, that I did not need to change my medication, and that he'd see me next year for the another"same old, same old".  My yearly cardiology visit is the one and only time I am completely happy with being completely boring. 

International Travel and Walking where Royals Walk

Before I went away to college, I was afraid.  I'd never been that far away from my parents, my family, my doctors for such a long period of time.  It was hard for me to go and hard for my parents to let me.  It was only 3 hours away and since then I've been blessed with numerous opportunities to travel across the globe.  However, every time I've traveled internationally it has been with one or more family members.  Every time expect for this past August.  In August I traveled out of the country by myself for the first time. And I made it there and back again. (Yes, like Bilbo Baggins. And probably about his height too.)  I traveled across the big pond we call the Atlantic Ocean to Scotland to visit one of my friends from college who lives there.  And it was pure magic.  It was so nervous going there that I slept for about 5 minutes on the plane and about 3 minutes in the airport during my layover.  Once I got there, instant relief and satisfaction in myself for doing it.  For doing what I could have left fear, could have let CHD, stop me from doing.  I enjoyed every second of exploring Scotland and every second of spending time with my friends. I walked miles around the medieval city of Edinburgh on very little sleep and extreme jet lag and I'm so thankful I did.  I traveled to the Scottish Highlands and searched for the Nessie the Lochness monster.  I tired haggis and ate the most delicious fish and chips.  I checked so many places and experiences off my bucket list.  It was a short trip but it was an incredible one. When living life to it's fullest is something you aren't sure you'll be able to do, you take every opportunity to what you can, when you can.  I'm so glad that I canned I did.

I'm a Survivor

Yes. That's a Reba McEntire song.  And Destiny's Child too. (#mymommataughtmebetterthanthat)  It's also the incredibly overwhelming feeling that I had in September when I volunteered with the American Heart Association at the Triangle Area Heart Walk.  I had my heart shirt on.  My mom likes to get us sarcastic/humors shirts for Christmas and she's run out of teacher shirts to get me. A few Christmas she got me a shirt that has a picture of anatomical heart and it says "I'll always have a place for you in my right ventricle." (Jokes on you though,  since I don't have a right ventricle...and those echo technicians apparently.)  Some people read my shirt and looked confused.  Others read my shirt and laughed but one lady came over with her toddler in her arms and said, 'Him too!'.  I looked at the adorable little boy in her arms and noticed he had an oxygen tube in his noes and several wires that ran under his shirt. I smiled at him and reached my hand out to wave at him. He smiled back and me my eyes welled up with tears.  His mom was looking around at the information on the table in front of me and once she was done, walked away.  If she saw my eyes watering I hope that she knows that it wasn't out of pity for her son.  I know how frustrating it can be when people pity you.  It was because all of a sudden it hit me.  All of a sudden I realized I was surrounded by people, of all ages, or all genders, who were survivors.  Survivors just like me.  Just like her son.  I don't meet many people who know much about the ventricles of your heart, and even less people who know what Tricuspid Atresia is.  I've meet even fewer who have a heart defect and are living with it like me.  But there, in front me was a beautiful little boy who knew.   And if I searched hard enough in that arena, I could have found hundreds more who knew too.  Never in my life had I been surrounded by so many people who knew.  Really, truly knew.  The feeling in that moment is one that I will always treasure in my little half a heart. Together we are still fighting.  Together we are still searching for a cure.  Together we are surviving.

There were days in 2018 that felt like good gut punch.  Other days, I was wishing they would never end.  Regardless of what the highs and the lows of 2018 were, they were moments where I learned (and probably definitely relearned) some valuable lessons.  Moments where my faith was weak alongside moments that caused my faith to increase.  Times where I cried out to God and felt like I wasn't getting an answer, and times when I saw God's hand so clearly.  There were days that my CHD got the best of me and knocked me on feet.  Days when the humidity was so high I couldn't breathe and even ice cream didn't help.  (#summerinthesouth) Then there were days where I beat the odds.  Those days are more frequent.  Those days are the days I'm so grateful for.  Those days are the ones I'm excited for more of in 2019.  2018 saw me travel, saw me learn, saw me grow,  saw me dream, saw me victorious, saw me survive.  And that's what I choose to remember.  That's what I choose to take with me into 2019.  To fuel me forward on the days that I'm convinced I won't make it.  To push me on those days I feel like I can't push myself anymore.  Every day is another chance; another opportunity.  Every day is another day of beating the odds.  365 of them. 

Bring it on 2019. 

-Emily

PS: What did you accomplish in 2018?  What odds did you beat? What are some of your 2019 goals?  Any exciting plans?  Leave them in a comment below!

A Few of My Favorite Deals

You know when you go shopping and nothing fits?  Like, NOTHING.  The shirts are too big, the pants are too long and why are extra small sized closed the same price as extra extra large...so annoying.   I'm small and I'm short.  I'm 4'10" on a good day and extra petite. (Thanks CHD for stunting my growth after my genetics already squashed any dreams of being above 5'5".)  I LOVE shopping but it can be extremely frustrating at times and VERY expensive.  I have a lot of clothes, but I rarely pay full price for them.  I work hard to find the best deals and sales.  It's just ridiculous how much clothes cost in general and it's ridiculous how much tiny clothes cost! Since Thanksgiving starts the holiday shopping deals, I wanted to share some really good deals I got as well as some really awesome stores and shops that I got them from. So, here are a few of my favorite deals!

1. Nice-ish from Aerie

I saw this sweatshirt from Aerie when they first brought out their winter/holiday line.  There was one that said Naughty-ish and Nice-ish.  Nice-ish is totally me.  I can be nice when I need to be, but there are times when I'm just not. So, I'm nice-sh.  Unfortunately, the sweatshirt was over $35.00 and I just felt that it was too much for a sweatshirt.  The Saturday after Thanksgiving I was at the mall and we stopped into Aerie.  I saw the sweatshirt and went right to it and picked up, felt it (so soft I nearly died) and felt sad because I really, really wanted it.  Like really.  And then (cue magical music) I saw the sign on the table that said 'Sweatshirts $25'.  My eyes bugged and I gasped out loud.  I asked one of the cashiers, "Are ALL these sweatshirts $25?! Even this one!?"  She looked at me, like I was crazy; probably because my eyes were three sizes larger and I had just gasped like I'd seen a ghost; squinted her eyes at me and said, "Yeahhhhh.....".  As if I wasn't acting crazy enough I yelled, "WOW!  I'm getting this!" and put it in my arms.   When it was time to cash out and I was asked, "Did you find everything you were looking for today?", I kept with the crazy and said, "Oh yes!  I definitely did!".  Aerie in general has awesome sales from time to time.  Their anti-photo shopping/real woman campaign is awesome too.  Their clothes are comfortable and quality.  And their underwear are always 7 for $28. (And sometimes 10 for $35.) 

2. Grab Bag from Brimm Boutique

Guys, this boutique is a hidden gem. I discovered it by following Kari Jobe (Grammy winning Christian artist and worship leader. Check her out- her music will bring you straight to the throne room of heaven.) on Instagram.  She had shared some of her recent Brimm Boutique purchases and some her favorite items.  I love her style so I checked it out for myself.  And I was not disappointed.  Something to know about me is that once I commit, I really commit.  Not only did I order some clothes and shoes but I started following them on Instagram as well.  Some of their stuff is a little bit out of my price range (but if you haven't figured it out already, I'm pretty cheap) but they have good sales.  The boutique owner gets on their Instagram stories frequently, trying on each item and describing the quality and comfort, etc.  A couple days after Thanksgiving she came and shared that their Grab Bag sale was happening.  They do their Grab Bag sale when they need to get rid of left over stock from previous lines and to make room for the new stuff coming in.  You pick your size and they send you three items at that size. The best part though, is that's only $35 dollars.  Yes.  You read that right.  $35 dollars.  That's about $80 worth of clothes, for $35.  In your size.  Of course....I immediately went to their website, clicked an XS Grab Bag, put it in my cart and paid for it.  5 seconds later I was the proud owner of 3 new articles of clothing.


3. Cyber Monday on Jane

 

Pinterest can be dangerous.  Put Pinterest can also be so very, very useful.  In this instance, Pinterest turned out to be very useful in bringing me to Jane.  I typed 'affordable online boutiques' in to the Pinterest search bar and came up with a bunch of sites that were sharing their favorite online boutiques.  I picked one and they listed Jane.  I clicked the link they provided and Jane and I have been friends every since.  Jane is a collection of online boutiques and deals.  They have everything from clothes for men, women, and children, to accessories for your car, to furniture.  All at boutique prices.  Instead of scouring the internet for tiny little boutiques, Jane brings them all together in one place for you.  Since there a different sellers, the prices, product quality, and shipping can differ but I have yet to be disappointed.  They had some great Cyber Monday deals and I got myself a new blanket infinity scarf and some hair bandanas.  All for under $25.  I have my eye on a few other things too.  Jane is a great place to get gifts for people.  You can get anything from brand names to personalized and monogrammed items.  Check them out! 

4. Stripy shirt from Madewell

I'm just going to come out and say it.  I can not afford to shop at Madewell.  As much as I really do love their designs and their style, it's too expensive for my budget and for my cheap self. I know, I know...their clothes are quality and last a long time...they are just made well! (Ha!  Get it?) Another blogger that I follow (and you can too by clicking here) had shared on her Instagram that Madewell was having a sale where items were up to 80% off.  My first thought was, "Wow! Now maybe I can afford a pair of socks!" but, I went over their website and took a look.  The sale was actually good BUT, I'm still really cheap.  Just because the pants were $200 and now they are $100 doesn't mean I'm going buy those pants now.  I'm still not paying that much for pants! But, I scrolled on.  And I found this cute shirt.  Originally over $40. One sale for $9.99.  Yes friends.  9 whole dollars and 99 whole cents.  For a Madewell shirt.  Now that, is a DEAL.  So I obviously bought it.  But, the story doesn't end there.  The shirt never made it to me.  I got plenty of emails saying my order went though, my order was processed, my item was shipped, my item will be delivered tomorrow but the mailbox remained empty.  After being late by a week or more I called Madewell to let them know that my shirt was somewhere in postal limbo. They very nice people at customer service (who also complimented me on the GREAT deal I got for the shirt) sent me another for free.  Guess what arrived the next day? The first shirt.  Guess what arrived two days later?  The second shirt.  So I called up the nice and friendly people at Madewell and asked them how they wanted me to return the duplicate shirt. They simply told me to head to my nearest Madewell store and return it that way.  So I did.  It just might have taken me a few weeks to  motivate myself to go do it because going to the mall at Christmastime is the least of my favorite things. 

5. CHD shirts from Littlest Warrior

This one is less about the deal and more about the idea behind it.  Littlest Warrior is a shop. blog and podcast started by a momma of an adorable little boy with special needs.  If I'm not mistaken he is a T21 and Heart warrior.  And his momma is one too.  She started Littlest Warrior to help support her family while also being the best advocate, caregiver, and momma to her son.  They sell shirts, sweatshirts, and hats for warrior kids, siblings, and parents.  Not only are they raising awareness for inclusion, advocacy, kindness, and so many disorders and diseases that many know nothing about, but they also give 10% of the proceeds to a charity.  This month it went towards a helping to the cover some of the cost for a family who is adopting a little boy with special needs.  Amazing! Right?!?  When I found out about this, I went to their site to see if they had any shirts for heart surgery survivors or those with Congenital Heart Disease or Defects. They sure did!  Although they are only available in kids and youth sizes, my mall self thought, 'Even better!' and ordered some.  I can't wait for February (#heartmonth) to come around so I can wear them with pride.  If you have a warrior baby or kid, or you know a family or mom and dad who are warrior parents and work hard to care for and advocate for their kids, please let them know about Little Warrior's shop, blog and their podcast!  And maybe buy them a shirt or two? 


By this time you're probably thinking two things.  You're probably thinking that I spend too much time on Instagram. and that in this season of giving and I seem to be doing is getting. And only for myself.  Take a chill pill there pal and let me explain that;  although I could probably spend less time scrolling my IG feed; I've been pretty much done with my Christmas shopping since the end of November.  I obviously can not share any deals I got for others on here because then surprise would be over what would be the fun of opening the present on Christmas morning?  I can, however, tell you some places I got some of the presents I have gotten for friends and family.  Places like Altar'd State, Francesca's, The Giving Keys, and every body's best and most reliable friend; Amazon.  (That Prime membership pays off BIG TIME people!  Do it!  You WON'T regret it!)


And now you can wonder what I might have bought you and from where. And if I bought you something at all...


Praying you enjoy all the deals, excitement, anticipation, and joy this Christmas season brings; and that you always remember that He is the real reason for this most wonderful time of the year!


Love, 
Emily


PS: Be sure to subscribe to my blog.  And feel free to share it and leave me some comments!  Also, follow me on Instagram @emilyannephoto !

Grace Upon Grace

I need to be better at so many things.  Today, when I didn’t have a dinner plan and once again went to Chick-fil-a, I told myself, “You need to be better at this Emily!” It spiraled from there. I made myself a list of all the things I need to be better at.   I need to be better at meal planning and prepping.  I need to be better at eating healthy.  I need to be better at managing my time.  I need to be better at drinking water.  I need to be better at checking my emails.  I need to be better at responding to texts.  I need to be better with my money.  I need to be better at my "beauty routine". I need to be better at working out consistently. I need be better at being patient with my students.  I need to be better at being a teacher, a sister, a daughter and a friend.  And the list goes on and on.  Like I said, I need to be better at so many things.  My neck was hurting and my head was pounding.  I’m sure the fried food and diet coke really helped. 

Am I the only one that does this to myself?  Stresses my self out.  Exhaust myself.  Worry.  Fret.  Get annoyed.  And then throw myself a giant pity party and have it catered by Chick-fil-a?  Yes?  No? Please don’t let me be the only one! It’s exhausting, especially when you’re already exhausted.

 But wait.  But then.  But God.  Yes. Yes. Yes.

You know the great thing about God?  Besides like…everything?  He responds.  And in my moment of shoving Chick-fil-a soaked chicken strips in my mouth, He responded to me with one word.  Grace.  His grace.  That comes in waves after wave.  That is exactly what you need when you need it.  That meets you where you are.  That is more than enough.  And the wave of His grace that he poured over my Chick-fil-a stuffed mouth, it changed my list of things I need to be better at to a list of things I’m good at. To list of things He sees me as.  A list of things that I am created and purposed for.

A daughter of the King of Kings.  A child of God.  A women of inner beauty.  A priceless creation.  A perfect masterpiece.  An encourager.  A teacher.  A leader.  A disciple.  A dreamer.  Determined.  Inspiring.  Courageous.  Faithful.  Healed.  Fearless. Whole.  

If I believe that God doesn’t make mistakes…If I believe that God has made me for a purpose and with a purpose…If I believe that He has a plan to prosper me and not to harm me, to give me a hope and future when I seek Him with all my heart…then I have to let go of the list I made.  I have to let to go of the thoughts; the lies actually; that I need to be more of something I’m not.  That I need to be different than who I am.  Although there may be some truth, some room for growth in my list, it’s not helpful. And it doesn’t define me.  

Instead, I choose to let His list take over my mind and my heart.  I let His list be the one I focus  on.  I let His list help guide my next steps.  His list is what He has called me.  His list is what He says I am  His list is what He has created me to be.  His list is the list that defines me.  His love defines me.  His grace defines me. I love His grace.  And I like His list much better. 

I pray that you not only receive, feel, and embrace his Grace, but that His lists be the only ones you concern your time with!

 And you get to enjoy your Chick-fil-a strips guilt free! 

-Emily 

"Out of his fullness we have all received grace in place of grace already given.  For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ." John 1:16-17 (NIV) 

Sitting on the Sidelines

I hate the game of tag.  Literally hate it.  I hate man hunt too.  That's just tag in the dark and I'm not a fan of the dark either.  When I took my students to the playground the other day and they asked me to play tag I said, in my nicest teacher voice, "No, you guys play, I've got to keep my eye on all of you." and in my head I was thinking, "Absolutely NOT!"

I  watched them play tag, and laugh, and shriek, and chase each other around, and get in to arguments about who was on the base for too long.  As I  watched them running and playing and got involved when I had to set the ground rules for the base; I thought to myself, ' I hate this game!  Why do I hate this game?'

The answer was pretty clear. Because of my Congenital Heart Defect. Because I can't run.  Because I get out of breath.  Because I get tired easily.  Because my body isn't fast enough to get away from the tagger, nor is fast enough to be the tagger! Who likes a game they are terrible at?  Who likes a game that they are incapable of doing?  Who likes a game that reminds them of all the things they don't have and can't do?  Definitely not me.  Instead, I did what I usually do in these situations.   I stood on the side and watched.

So much of my life has been spent on the sidelines watching other people run and jump and play and have fun.  In gym class, in sports, in any activity that requires physical exertion.  I couldn't participate because of my heart.  I had to sit out because of my heart.  I had to take a break because of my heart. If I were trying to make you feel bad for me, now would be the time where you should start.  But I'm not.  At all.  Because I learned something along the way.  I learned that the sidelines are pretty exhilarating too.

Siting on the sidelines gives you such an interesting perspective.  Sitting on the side lines allows to participate in the experience.  Sitting on the sidelines teaches you to observe. Sitting on the side lines forces you to see the whole game. Sitting on the sidelines causes you to get to know people.  Sitting on the sidelines teaches you how to be an encourager.  Sitting on the sidelines can get your heart racing and your blood pumping too. 

Learning that the sidelines had so much to offer wasn't a lesson I learned over night.  There were day where I spent my time on the sidelines wishing I could be in the game.  Eventually, as I grew to accept that my CHD wouldn't allow me to be 'on the field', I made it my mission to make the best of the seat that I could sit in.  I decided that if the only action I would see was going to be from watching, I was going to make the very best of it. 

Growing up, my siblings played sports and I made it my mission to go to every match, meet, game, scrimmage, competition and tournament that I could. If I couldn't be on the team, I was going to be the team cheerleader, team mascot, team score keeper...whatever the team needed me to be.  In gym class I got A's because I dressed out, I kept time, and I encouraged my classmates as the ran the mile or played softball, or climbed to the top of the rope. I made sure the sidelines was just as exciting as being in the middle of the action. CHD was not going to stop me from enjoying myself.  CHD was not going to stop me from having fun.  CHD was not going to stop me from being active and being involved.  To this day, I LOVE to watch...sports, plays, people...clouds. I think that being able to observe all that's around you is a gift. To be able to sit and to watch is peaceful.  To be able to stop and to see is priceless. You don't always have to do things to truly experience them.  Sure, it may not be the same but, with the right mindset, it's just as exciting as actually being a part of it.  

My dad and I  like to people watch.  Airports and fast food restaurants are the best places if you're into it too.  When we people watch we play a game where he asks me how I think the people are related and what they are saying to each other.  I always ask him what he thinks first.  Because I    already know.  I've become an expert observer. I can read people from miles away.  I can look at a situation and pick out details that many people might not notice.  I can look at that same situation as a whole and put all the pieces to gather to understand the whole picture.  If you people watch long enough, you eventually figure out what you're looking at.  When my dad eventually does, he turns to me and says, "I think you're right!" Yes dad, I  know.  I usually am. 

CHD has stopped me from doing many things in life.  But CHD hasn't stopped me from experiencing life in ways that many people will never get to experience.  CHD has taught me that point of view from the sidelines is a unique one.  CHD has taught me that I don't need to go from adrenaline rush to adrenaline rush to feel exhilarated.  CHD has taught me that there is so much value and importance in observing.  CHD has taught me that being able to encourage people is a gift that our world needs more of. CHD has caused me to slow down and to "stop and smell the roses".  Yes, having to "stop and smell the roses" is a way of life for me with CHD.  Thankfully, I love the smell of roses.  

PS: Heart month as ended and I hope you have learned a lot this heart month.  I know I have!  More to come in the next months because I'm working on getting my half hearted self involved with the American Heart Association.  I promise to keep you posted.  Literally...in blog post! (HA!  See what I  did there?  Yes?  No?...Okay...I promise I'm done.)