Birthday Eve

It's the eve of my 26th birthday and this often for me brings mixed feelings and emotions and thoughts. I have thoughts like...'Well I made it another year with half a heart!' or 'I think I felt healthier this year than last year...' or 'What if this is the last year I am healthy?'.  Silly fears and feelings creep and I quickly talk them down by reminding myself of all that God has spared me from, done in me, and allowed me to live through and experience.  I like to reflect on the past 26 years with my half a heart and look back particularly at this last year and pick it apart piece by piece to see what was good and was bad.  (Clearly I over analyze...)

I can't imagine what it must have been like for my parents 26 years ago today when they thought they were about to welcome their perfect little baby girl into world...and out came me.  Blue and medical problems GALORE.  From that moment I haven not stopped causing chaos and making them go crazy although...now I do it by choice! ;)  A few moments asked I told my dad, "What were doing 26 years today? Did you ever think that I would be..me??"  I often ask this question and he always has the same answer, "No, I didn't know anything but God made it clear that you weren't mine from the beginning.  You belong to Him and I've done my best to raise you like I believe He has called me to." Good answer dad.  (He's so smart!)  The same question my parents had 26 years ago tomorrow is still a question in the back of my mind...Are my days numbered?  If so for how long?  And what is my purpose on this earth if time is shorter for me than for others? And if not shorter...it's certainly more difficult for me than many.  Why?

I don't like those questions.  I avoid them but this past year I have searched for those answers.  I haven't found not a...single...one.... and yet maybe, just maybe, that is the answer.  There is no answer.  For those of you who know me.  Answers like, "Because I said so!" and "There is no answer" or "You'll never really know." do NOT cut it for me.  I NEEDWANTHAVETOMUST know.  But that is where this year has God has put me in my place.  (I am mostly thankful for that because SOMEONE has to!) God has shown me that the answers I search for, those same answers my parents searched for 26 years ago, can be summed up in simple three simple words.  Faith.  Hope.  Trust.  I have immense faith in Him, I always have.  Even when I tried to pretend I didn't, I did.  I have hope that the desires of my little half heart will happen because He knows them.  He cares about them.  He sees them.  He sees me.  How you can not have hope when I know that the God of the UNIVERSE sees me. He LOVES me.  Wow...  And I trust.  That's the hardest one.  It's hard to trust for me because from the beginning people have been poking, prodding, sticking needles in me, taking me to doctors...people who I trusted to protect me, to give me answers, to provide a way out or a reason...through no fault of their own have been unable to do so.  That is where trusting in God comes in.  I must trust that HE is bigger than ALL of that and ANY of that.  Obviously God and I are still working on this one and although we have far to go...we have come far.  (Well, He's there...it's me who need to catch up!)

This 26th year, in my search I did a few things to help with my quest. For one, I started this blog.  Here at least I can write out my thoughts and feelings.  And although I haven't really been to good with keeping it up...I have enjoyed at least getting out of my head and my heart and putting into some logical sequential sentences! :)  Another thing I did was I was able to share my story via FB during February (HEART MONTH) and use pictures and quotes to make people aware of the life long effects of having a congenital defect.  Many people who have known me forever didn't know the extent of my story and countless people have thanked me for sharing! Thank me for blowing up your newsfeed with my baby pictures??  You're welcome I guess! :)I  also went to the gym more regularly than ever and feel for the most part healthy. (Not going to the gym is more about being lazy...) The most exciting thing (to me at least) is that I went to talk to a class about my condition!  My friend is a high school biology teacher who has an anatomy and physiology class and she asked me to come to share my story from a patients perspective!  It was AWESOME! I just shared the story of little me and even though it was much, I felt like somehow the fact that I was standing there talking to them had to be a testimony.  Of course it was a public school so I didn't get to share much about my faith and it's role in my story but afterwords MANY of the students said that (on their little questionnaire she gave them) the thing they would remember most was how amazing it was I was alive and standing there to talk to them.  I felt in that moment...satisfied! As small it was, that was so purposeful. For me.  It was from God, for me.  And one more step in the direction of complete faith, hope, AND trust.  

As I reflect on 26 years of life and entering my 27th and although I believe that I will have many more, I know that if I don't that has to be okay.  It's me and God.  Yes my parents and my family are in it too but mostly it's me and God.  On Monday morning I woke up with the following song in my head.  I think we sang it Sunday in church but even if we didn't..I KNOW that God reminded me of this song this week to remind me that just like from Day 1 of my adventure here on earth...I am His!

<3 class="goog-spellcheck-word" span="">Emily

(If you don't want to read the lyrics or don't know the song, you can click here for the YouTube Version )

"Love Came Down"

If my heart is overwhelmed

And I cannot hear Your voice

I hold on to what is true

Though I cannot see

If the storms of life they come

And the road ahead gets steep

I will lift these hands in faith

I will believe

I'll remind myself

Of all that You've done

And the life I have

Because of Your son

[Chorus]

Love came down and rescued me

Love came down and set me free

I am Yours

Lord I'm forever Yours

Mountains high or valley low

I sing out and remind my soul

I am Yours

I am forever Yours

When my heart is filled with hope

Every promise comes my way

When I feel Your hands of grace

Rest upon me

Staying desperate for You, God

Staying humble at Your feet

I will lift these hands in praise

I will believe

I'll remind myself

Of all that You've done

And the life I have

Because of Your son

Love came down and rescued me

Love came down and set me free

I am Yours

I am forever Yours

Mountains high or valley low

I sing out and remind my soul

I am Yours

I am forever Yours

I am Yours

I am Yours

All my days

Jesus, I am Yours

[x2]

Love came down and rescued me

Love came down and set me free

I am Yours

I am forever Your's

Mountains high or valley low

I sing out and remind my soul

I am Yours

I am forever Yours

[x2]

Yeah, I am yours, I'm yours, I am yours

Jesus I am yours